Monday, January 29, 2007

Hokey Pokey

One step forward? Two steps back? I can't tell if I'm making progress or falling incredibly far behind.

I spent the weekend on house projects. The weather was no nice -- in the sunshine -- that I was able to be outside in just shirtsleeves working on stuff in the barren dead zone I call the back yard. After cleaning the whole inside of the house, I decided to tackle the outside. I washed all of the exterior windows. Then rescued the stupid kittens out of the cherry tree, which was a lot more complicated than it sounds. And began hacking away at dead parts of the bamboo jungle along the side. There was weeding, removing a couple of bushes, digging out frozen, dead, soggy masses. Bruised, scratched and exhausted, I had to call it quits when the sun moved on. And now there are piles and mounds of ripped out greenery (brownery?) all over which doesn't fit into the barrels. It will have to wait a couple of weeks until next time, I guess. So is that progress? Or just a huge mess?

Sunday was a closet cleaning day. A couple of closets are cleared out, nice. But the dining rooms is piled with boxes of charitable donations, things that need to find a new home, things that need to be cleaned before putting back in. It all looks messier than before. And frankly, it looks like even more projects for the "to do" list. I should have just left it all alone.

But truth be told, I started all that because I was avoiding my actual work. I'm so completely unmotivated to do what really, really needs to be done. I spaced out and missed the application deadline for a major show, so there's no way I'm getting into that. So depressing. I didn't get into another new one that I was really hoping for. I've got several other options that need immediate attention, and I keep hitting walls. The soap isn't getting made fast enough for all the deadlines. The spring newsletter is dangling out there, taunting me. The studio is so unorganized and messy that I feel like I can't even think in here.

So under the blanket of frustration, I am procrastinating and becoming increasingly overwhelmed. Someone needs to head straight over and light a fire under my butt so I can get moving again.